I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
