He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
