Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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