How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
