Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
