His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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