I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
