Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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