i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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