I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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