so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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