i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
