Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize