Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
