my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Randomize
