1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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