Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
