Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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