i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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