; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
