last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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