we need to drink 2009 down the drain
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
