everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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