he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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