Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
