Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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