We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize