Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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