Welp...herpes.
im six kinds of drunk right now
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
