She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
