I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We left the knife in your bed.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
