Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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