Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
