Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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