you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
