god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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