i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
