OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
