So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
