i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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