Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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