I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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