we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
