For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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