Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
