John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Randomize
