the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
