OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize