i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
