i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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