The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
