Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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