I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize