then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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