Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
