Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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