i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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