I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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