I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
