Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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