I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Randomize
