So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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