You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
