He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
