Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
