I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i think i have two assholes
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
